Hardsquabble

Hardsquabble

“Thou shalt not kill.”

Exodus 20:13

“…Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord:

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.

And the second is like it, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.”

Mark 12:29-31

            Handcuffs. Yes. This was my not so sweet motherly thought at the end of the day yesterday as the children were piling into the car after school. They were grappling at each other’s arms, legs, and stuffed loveys, and squabbling in all typical sibling efforts to annoy, frustrate, and peeve the other. Padded handcuffs. If only it were admissible and completely unlooney to place softly-padded handcuffs on each child as they came into my care at the end of school. I could hug them, kiss them, gently apply the soft restraints so as to maintain the peace harmony and “hands-to-thyself-ness” with ease and less frustration. Then they could get into the car with nary a poke to the other and I would have the time to ask them how their day was, because they would have less ability to resort to physical pestering. Then, of course, they would be naturally and completely willing to have one of those oft dreamt of mature exchanges detailing the academic, social, and philosophical grandeur of their school day. I’m a big dreamer. I know. But, my best for later today is going to be “divide and conquer”: moving one child to the third row, while keeping the other in the second row, confiscating all stuffed animals, giving great thanks to the Lord Almighty for 3 rows of seating and 5-point car-seat restraints, and snacks that can be provided so that sibling-parent annoyance via verbal repartee is also cut to a minimum.

            “Positive behavior management” and “natural consequences.” I’m almost constantly thinking of these phrases and how best to apply them. Not easy! As a therapist it was easy to coach and teach parents that when “Junior” is doing something negative like pulling away his brother’s toy, instead of saying “Stop pulling the toy” we use the words “Put the toy down” and “Keep your hands to yourself, please.” Reason being, studies show that it is in our psychological nature to focus and act on the last words spoken. If you say “Stop pulling the toy” the last words the child hears are “…pulling the toy” and this reinforces the action you are in fact attempting to stop. In theory, the second set of instructions is more helpful, and the last words provide the goal for which you want the child to direct themselves toward. “…toy down”  “…hands to yourself.” But, truly, so often as a parent, I am full of more of the “Thou shalt nots” than the “Thou shalls.” Its easy to see what I want them to stop doing in the heat of the moment. Waaayy harder to take the step back, picture the desired positive outcome, and coach for that.

            So I’m sympathetic that we got all the “thou shalt nots” in the 10 Commandments first, and then the “positive behavior management” from Jesus “Love one another” second.  “Stop stealing her toys! Love your sister as yourself, pleeeaaaase!!” I remember these words. They echo as childhood memories from my own parents. Love! It’s all about the big picture. If we love, honor, hold dear to the sacred, divine, the Christ-child in each living being, there really would be more peace, harmony, joy, and fewer disruptions in the sometimes seemingly confined spaces of this planet-vehicle we call earth. I don’t think we would have to consider handcuffs, “thou shalt nots,” or divide and conquer strategies if the completeness of this kind of love pervaded the hearts and minds of everyone (or at least my kids in the car). I’m a big dreamer. I know.

            Christ Jesus, help teach us all to dream big. Help us live out lives centered from love of God and love of neighbor as ourselves. Pour forth your blessings of loving healing over our many worldly divisions, annoyances, disparities, tragedies, wounds, and wars. Change all of our sometimes stony, “hardsquabbling” hearts to ever softer naturally loving, generous hearts within our families and within our world. Help all of the world’s children see, and know, and share Your perfect love. Amen.

            (My “legal team” would like me to mention that no child has been or will ever be handcuffed in my care, all such sarcasm is to be taken with the grains of salt, sugar, and little gaffaws, please.)