Clouds of Unknowing
Clouds
of Unknowing
“The
Lord preceded them, in the daytime by means of a column of cloud to show them
the way…”
Exodus
13:21 (part)
Shortly after Christmas last year, Christopher was pacing between the family
room and kitchen, completely focused on breathing, very loudly and very deeply,
in and out of his mouth and nose. Bemused from my station at the kitchen
island, I watched him go, back and forth, back and forth, heaving his lungs for
every wisp he could possibly inhale, and then every last little gust he could
exhale as he went. After a little while of watching this, I finally asked the
question that just begged to be asked: “What are you doing?!”
“I’m getting the most out of my air!” He replied. “I have part of a candy cane
in my mouth and when I breathe in and out big like this the peppermint makes
this big cold rush in and big cold rush out. Especially if I breathe really
hard!” I laughed. Who needs meditation breathing exercise gurus when I have a
kid like this teaching how to get the most out of his air right here in the
kitchen? With a peppermint! Best breathing exercises ever! “I’m getting the most out of my air…” this is a phrase that
stuck.
It stuck and sneaks into adoration-meditation times and niggles at the
corners…”Are you getting the most out of your air?” “What are you getting out
of this breathing?” It’s the scientific part that mutters questions and demands
answers, measurements, results, satisfaction, and knowing. “What is the most I
could get out of just sitting here breathing in and out?” “Would I even know
what the most was if it happened?” “How long does it take to get the most out
of my air here?” “Should I use a peppermint? A straw? Ujjayi pranayama? A
breathalyzer test?” And then there are the myriad of somewhat
theo-philosophical questions that breeze in along side the scientific ones: “If
God had breath what would that look like?” “Does God really breathe through
me?” “Did Jesus know anything about Yogic breathing exercises?” “Is God getting
the most out of my air?” “Am I getting the most out of God out of my air?”
Sitting and just breathing in silence is hardly ever the start of any
contemplative time for me. Breathing and sitting in the swirling cloud of a
thousand questions is always the start. Sometimes, if I sit breathing patiently
enough the cloud shifts and like the movement of a hurricane, the calm eye
passes over for a while... before the swirl of questions and thoughts come
hurling back past in the other direction. “Was that it?” Did I get the most out
of my air?” “Did I feel God there in that air?” “How long have I been sitting
here?” “What am I supposed to do next?” It always seems a little that my
process of contemplative prayer is going into the cloud of questions about the
future and coming back out through the other side into another cloud of
questions about the past, vaguely knowing that there is this obscure eye of
calm, roughly in the middle most of the time. A present. So I keep going in -
for the present.
I am young at this practice, maybe only having been spending time in
contemplative prayer like this a few times a week for a couple of years now.
But, I can visualize this kind of column of a contemplative cloud showing me
the way in and out of the eye of calm, in and out of Divine rest. In all life's
events we enter through clouds of all the apprehensive questions. What will it
be like? Am I ready? Is this the right, best, fastest, most intelligent, most
perfect way? The event happens - the eye of the storm. And we exit asking all
the reflective questions. Was that good? Did that happen in the right, best,
fastest, most intelligent, most perfect way? Could I do that better next time?
The calm Divine eye in the middle has its own way of looking out at the
swirling cloud, diminishing or answering many of its questions, and slowing the
cloud’s spin.
So, I pray today that you know God is
always “getting the most out of your
air” wherever you are and whatever you do. May the eye of Divine
calm find you even in the natural swirl of questions in and out of daily
events. Whether you breathe through deep yogic breathing, or peppermints, or
straws, or party blowers, or whistles, or nose, or mouth, or big sighs, or
labored panting, may you feel God’s breath moving and re-energizing you –
reintroducing you to the present: your life, now, as it is, in the present. In
the middle of the swirling clouds of unknowing, God sees you, and knows you are
a gift! Amen.
